decompressing/returning to me

this blog started out as one thing but now i'm not sure what it is or should become.  circumstances have changed, that's for sure.  i guess i feel as if i've failed at keeping my life, "simple, sacred & sustainable."  not so much by choice but by circumstance.  when coop died everything changed.  I suddenly lost a huge portion of my identity.  for thirty years it was wrapped up in being his wife and sharing our life, our mutual goals and day to day living.  i had some serious and difficult decisions to make and let me tell you, it was weird coming to the realization that it was just "me" now.  i suppose unless you've been through the death of a spouse or a divorce you'd have little comprehension of that feeling.  thirty years of living suddenly shifted into unknown territory.  someone once told me after coop died not to make any major decisions for at least two years.  i've come to find out that was good advice.  but, being that things were as they were i felt i had to make some major choices in order to survive emotionally and financially.  i can honestly say i wish i had been able to hold off on any life altering decisions but life altering circumstances were what drove me to make the choices i did.  a viscous circle you might say.

so too soon i ended up with a new love, a new residence and a situation that was not especially conducive to my well being.  unfortunately neither was my staying.  it has been three years since i left the farm and my old life.  in the process family relationships have changed dramatically.  i have tried to remedy that situation to no avail.  there are so many hard feelings i suppose will remain so until others can open their hearts and minds to understanding.  although i wish no harm, i believe it may take a similar situation affecting (in the most personal way) those i refer to, before they can find that understanding.  the fact of the matter is, in every relationship eventually one partner will suffer that loss.  

at this point in time i feel as if i may be heading in the direction of putting the pieces of me back together.  it has been a slow and tedious process with lots of unexpected hurdles, hurt and losses.  enough that it's called post traumatic stress syndrome or disorder (the same thing).  the death  of a husband, the alienation of daughter, granddaughter and son in law and a niece, the death of two sisters, three moves in under three years, and the list goes on...you wouldn't believe how the list goes on so i will spare the rest.  but ptss explains why it is that i can barely function on some days and don't have the energy or motivation to do much so much of the time.  but i keep trying.  the doctor says i'm going through a period of decompression.  despite this lack of motivation i want so badly to feel alive and motivated again.  (i won't be a victim of this and i am not without hope!) when i felt the urge to return to this blog and start writing again, it was a good sign.  small but good. will i ever have the stamina to garden and do my own canning again?  probably not.  but by next spring maybe i can raise some patio veggies.  maybe soon i can find my muse and get back my strong creative flow.  maybe, too, i will figure out what direction this blog is heading in.  in the meantime i will simply write what spills out just as i have today.  whether anyone reads my ramblings or not i will write for no other reason than as an exercise in returning to me.