Life has had it's hard moments, this past year especially. Family dynamics have changed somewhat as one realizes they cannot live their life for anyone but themselves regardless of how that makes others feel. We all survive and go one and adjust. It's what we do and have been doing for centuries.
It's been the most unusual year and the most surreal one of my life, not to mention the hardest. The shock of Coop's death and the loss I felt afterwards are indescribable. The death of my mom, dad, sister or brother cannot even come close to what it felt like to lose Coop. No one can truly understand that unless they have lived with and loved someone for that long and realize who they are as an individual is completely wrapped up in that other person...and then in an instant that person is gone, unexpectedly, forever and forever life is changed. Life becomes alien, unfamiliar and everything you do is now surreal because that other person isn't there...when you drive in the car or shop for groceries or come home or fix dinner or go to bed or get up in the morning. Every action, every though hurts because it is a moment to moment reminder of how life has been altered...premanently.
But then, slowly you begin to adjust and have good days in between when tears don't come as often. And you realize that you have a huge place in your heart, as if the love you have known has expanded your heart, opened it to the possibility of experiencing joy and love again, that feeling love for another does not take anything away from the love you have known nor decrease it in any way. Love knows no limits or boundries and loving one does not take away love or limit love for another. Anyone who has children understands this quite well.
I am just thankful for the love I have been given in my life from my family and friends...most especially from my children, their spouses, my sister and and from Coop and Mark. I wonder at times what I might have done to deserve the love of so many and the two wonderful men I have been priveledged to love and be loved by, but then life is strange that way. I don't think it's a matter of deserving really, but more a matter of allowing.
I am grateful for all the goodness and love in my life despite the dark days of the past year. I recall even then, being so very grateful for all the people and blessings in my life as I went through that period. I continue to feel gratitude for each day that I am given to be here, alive on this earth to experience all those things that make us human.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
a new chapter in my life
It's been more than three months since I last posted here. To say a lot has changed is an understatement. My entire life shifted when Coop passed away unexpectedly. And now, life is shifting again, but in a very positive direction. I have met someone special and over the course of the last several months have established a wonderful relationship with said person. And believe me, I have been judged and applauded for allowing love into my life so soon after Coop's demise. But, if you remember my words here, you'll recall I mentioned what I knew to be true, that I had a heart full of love to give and at some point in time I wished to establish a relationship again with someone deserving of that love. Well, to my surprise that has happened and I most definitely wished to share my good news with you.
Mark is a gentle man, well seasoned in the heartache that life often brings and as such is the most caring, compassionate and ego-less man I have ever met. He is a retired college English instructor and poet. It seems as if we were made for one another. We share so many idiosyncrasies and have such similar likes and dislikes that it feels as if we have known one another forever. Our relationship is one of total comfort.
As I mentioned, I have been judged and applauded for entering into a relationship so soon. Those who have judged obviously do not know my heart nor the amount of grief I've worked through and experienced. They do not know the emptiness I have felt, nor can they understand the depth of soul searching I have gone through. On the other hand, those who applaud my new found relationship understand that life can and does go on and living and loving is the essence of it. To those who judge I can only say this, I hope you never have to go through such a loss and such grief, but if you do then perhaps you will come to understand. To those who stand by me with happiness and encouragement I say, thank you for honest and loving support.
In the end all I can do is be grateful. I was so very blessed by the love I had known with Coop which I will carry with me and treasure forever. As both Mark and I know, Coop will always be a part of us and our life together. Now, to know the gift of love again is such a miracle to me. I count myself a most blessed person for knowing and experiencing great love and devotion twice in one lifetime, something so special that some may never know at all. That is a miracle.
The past week was a celebration of my 54th birthday. Mark came to spend the week with me and make it special, which he did and it was.
just two old and very happy hippies
Mark is a gentle man, well seasoned in the heartache that life often brings and as such is the most caring, compassionate and ego-less man I have ever met. He is a retired college English instructor and poet. It seems as if we were made for one another. We share so many idiosyncrasies and have such similar likes and dislikes that it feels as if we have known one another forever. Our relationship is one of total comfort.
As I mentioned, I have been judged and applauded for entering into a relationship so soon. Those who have judged obviously do not know my heart nor the amount of grief I've worked through and experienced. They do not know the emptiness I have felt, nor can they understand the depth of soul searching I have gone through. On the other hand, those who applaud my new found relationship understand that life can and does go on and living and loving is the essence of it. To those who judge I can only say this, I hope you never have to go through such a loss and such grief, but if you do then perhaps you will come to understand. To those who stand by me with happiness and encouragement I say, thank you for honest and loving support.
In the end all I can do is be grateful. I was so very blessed by the love I had known with Coop which I will carry with me and treasure forever. As both Mark and I know, Coop will always be a part of us and our life together. Now, to know the gift of love again is such a miracle to me. I count myself a most blessed person for knowing and experiencing great love and devotion twice in one lifetime, something so special that some may never know at all. That is a miracle.
The past week was a celebration of my 54th birthday. Mark came to spend the week with me and make it special, which he did and it was.
just two old and very happy hippiesIf anyone is still reading this blog, I appreciate it and will continue to share as the latest chapter of my life unfolds. Over the next couple of months my life will be shifting in other ways as well.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Time, Life, Love, Change
Yesterday marked two months since Coop's passing. It has been difficult to say the least. The worst part is feeling so out of balance and without focus or motivation despite the fact that I have much I need to focus on, primarily my own survival. Time, it is my friend and my enemy. It helps to heal the trauma and the pain as it slips by, yet it can never be recaptured and continues to bring us closer to the end of life as we know it.
Slowly I am making changes in my life. My dearest friend has helped me along the past several weeks, encouraging me every step of the way. We have gradually made changes to my bedroom, allowing it to become my own so I can fall sleep a little less painfully at night. I have cleaned closets and sorted things as much as I have been able. I still have reminders of Coop's presence throughout...jackets and hats still hang near the basement door. I took them to the basement to be washed some time ago, but retrieved them only to hang them back in their proper place until it felt right to remove them for good. There are times I need to bury my face in them and cry my tears, to breathe in what little is left of his earthly presence.
I miss Coop so much, his presence, our shared affection. Despite how we much we appreciate the love in our lives, we never fully can understand the entirety of that appreciation until the object of our affection has been taken from the picture. Oh, the love lives on, in fact it is the only thing that isn't transitory. That is what cause such heartache and makes it so hard to accept the absence of a loved one. Love is the only thing that is truly real, of value and worth living for. That is the one prominent thought I have had since life has changed so abruptly for me. Everything else is just stuff that, although it may lend a level of ease or enjoyment to life, it is really of little value in the end.
It is early yet in the days of my sorrow. But having known a good, solid, trusting and meaningful relationship and having my life shift so quickly, I do know this...I would wish to eventually establish a similar relationship with another at some future point in time. My heart is still full of an unlimited amount of love and an even deeper of appreciation of it. And so I want to say this to you...
Appreciate the love in your life to your maximum ability. Don't take for granted all the little things that could one day cease to be a part of your daily experience...that morning cup of coffee poured for you, a shared laugh or kiss or hug. Be more spontaneous, more affectionate, make love more often and more passionately, let things go because the small stuff really doesn't matter in the end. Truly enjoy the presence of your loved ones as much as you humanly can. We always think we have tomorrow but the truth is, we only have today. Sometimes tomorrow changes everything and I would not want you to miss out on the fullness of love and life you are capable of experiencing right here, right now today.
There are only four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
~Don Juan de Marco
Slowly I am making changes in my life. My dearest friend has helped me along the past several weeks, encouraging me every step of the way. We have gradually made changes to my bedroom, allowing it to become my own so I can fall sleep a little less painfully at night. I have cleaned closets and sorted things as much as I have been able. I still have reminders of Coop's presence throughout...jackets and hats still hang near the basement door. I took them to the basement to be washed some time ago, but retrieved them only to hang them back in their proper place until it felt right to remove them for good. There are times I need to bury my face in them and cry my tears, to breathe in what little is left of his earthly presence.
I miss Coop so much, his presence, our shared affection. Despite how we much we appreciate the love in our lives, we never fully can understand the entirety of that appreciation until the object of our affection has been taken from the picture. Oh, the love lives on, in fact it is the only thing that isn't transitory. That is what cause such heartache and makes it so hard to accept the absence of a loved one. Love is the only thing that is truly real, of value and worth living for. That is the one prominent thought I have had since life has changed so abruptly for me. Everything else is just stuff that, although it may lend a level of ease or enjoyment to life, it is really of little value in the end.
It is early yet in the days of my sorrow. But having known a good, solid, trusting and meaningful relationship and having my life shift so quickly, I do know this...I would wish to eventually establish a similar relationship with another at some future point in time. My heart is still full of an unlimited amount of love and an even deeper of appreciation of it. And so I want to say this to you...
Appreciate the love in your life to your maximum ability. Don't take for granted all the little things that could one day cease to be a part of your daily experience...that morning cup of coffee poured for you, a shared laugh or kiss or hug. Be more spontaneous, more affectionate, make love more often and more passionately, let things go because the small stuff really doesn't matter in the end. Truly enjoy the presence of your loved ones as much as you humanly can. We always think we have tomorrow but the truth is, we only have today. Sometimes tomorrow changes everything and I would not want you to miss out on the fullness of love and life you are capable of experiencing right here, right now today.
There are only four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
~Don Juan de Marco
Saturday, February 14, 2009
love
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi
If we can (and we can through practice and awareness) remove those barriers of prejudice and judgment, we can lift the veils that shroud our hearts and that limit our capacity and ability to love fully and completely.
Just my thoughts as I practice love on this Valentines Day. Hope yours is a happy and loving one.
If we can (and we can through practice and awareness) remove those barriers of prejudice and judgment, we can lift the veils that shroud our hearts and that limit our capacity and ability to love fully and completely.
Just my thoughts as I practice love on this Valentines Day. Hope yours is a happy and loving one.
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