Thursday, May 7, 2009

to my friends

The days have kept me busy and away from blogging as is apparent. However I do wish to say how very much I appreciate the comments, thoughts and prayers that have been sent my way. If I don't always acknowledge you, please take no offense. I do acknowledge you in spirit.

I have decided to step away from blogging at least temporarily. I do so want to get back to sharing with you on a more regular basis those things which brought me to this place initially. However, my focus has been elsewhere as of late while I strive to recreate my life and deal with responsibilities on my own that once were shared by two people. With more responsibility comes less time. Right now I am still making preparations for my daughter, grandaughter and son in law to move in sometime in June. I have lined up a part time job as well and need to get busy with other options I have available for bringing in an income. It's funny how everyone assumes once you become widowed that there is some kind of benefits to follow. Not true. There is nothing available until you are 60 which I am not. Thank goodness Coop and I did simplify our lives and I know how to live simply and frugally. Even so, I am challenged.

Some of you commented about the recent Easter holiday and how it might be difficult for me with Coop being absent from my life. It was not because we did not regularly take note of the Christian holidays. However, Mothers Day will be somewhat of a challenge as will Fathers day. The hardest one I think will be my birthday and next year when our anniversary arrives. I don't know how I will get through those days yet. For now I am grateful they aren't immediately looming over me. Each week, in fact often each day brings me new challenges and old memories, yearnings for what was. I know I can't go back and change things, bring them back to how they were. That is the most painful thing of all. My life as I knew it is over and now I must begin again or in the least carry on. There are moments when I know I will make it, I am after all a survivor. There have been other times, moments of utter darkness when I was afraid I wouldn't, didn't even want to, and have had thoughts no one wants to hear about. I even tried grief counseling for awhile and that made me feel worse yet. No one can fully understand the pain of another's grief because that experience is uniquely based on the relationship that was. And despite how much support one has from family and friends, we are still very much alone in life, especially at times like this because it is always our own personal experience.

I did not mean to ramble on so. It is late, I am tired and feeling melancholy. I miss the intimacy of what once was. I stay up late at night until weariness forces me to rest, else I lay in my bed alone, sleepless, missing the comfort of my husband lying next to me, even when I know rest is essential and the morning will bring responsibilities and work that will tire me even more. It is what it is until it ceases to be like this. So my friends, peace be with you, take care and know how much I love and appreciate your presence here with me. I will leave the blog up in hopes that someday soon I will return with greater focus. I do so mean it when I say thank you for everything.

love, Sallie