reflecting back with gratitude

Life has had it's hard moments, this past year especially. Family dynamics have changed somewhat as one realizes they cannot live their life for anyone but themselves regardless of how that makes others feel. We all survive and go one and adjust. It's what we do and have been doing for centuries.

It's been the most unusual year and the most surreal one of my life, not to mention the hardest. The shock of Coop's death and the loss I felt afterwards are indescribable. The death of my mom, dad, sister or brother cannot even come close to what it felt like to lose Coop. No one can truly understand that unless they have lived with and loved someone for that long and realize who they are as an individual is completely wrapped up in that other person...and then in an instant that person is gone, unexpectedly, forever and forever life is changed. Life becomes alien, unfamiliar and everything you do is now surreal because that other person isn't there...when you drive in the car or shop for groceries or come home or fix dinner or go to bed or get up in the morning. Every action, every though hurts because it is a moment to moment reminder of how life has been altered...premanently.

But then, slowly you begin to adjust and have good days in between when tears don't come as often. And you realize that you have a huge place in your heart, as if the love you have known has expanded your heart, opened it to the possibility of experiencing joy and love again, that feeling love for another does not take anything away from the love you have known nor decrease it in any way. Love knows no limits or boundries and loving one does not take away love or limit love for another. Anyone who has children understands this quite well.

I am just thankful for the love I have been given in my life from my family and friends...most especially from my children, their spouses, my sister and and from Coop and Mark. I wonder at times what I might have done to deserve the love of so many and the two wonderful men I have been priveledged to love and be loved by, but then life is strange that way. I don't think it's a matter of deserving really, but more a matter of allowing.

I am grateful for all the goodness and love in my life despite the dark days of the past year. I recall even then, being so very grateful for all the people and blessings in my life as I went through that period. I continue to feel gratitude for each day that I am given to be here, alive on this earth to experience all those things that make us human.

I appreciate sarcasm...

...maybe you will, too.

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

ch..ch...ch...changes

Ok, so I have that David Bowie song in my head as I type this post to all of my good friends in cyber space.

First of all I wish to say how very much I appreciate all the kind words and support sent my way in response to my last entry and the changes in my life. You all are wonderful and have made my heart very happy.

And now again I am signing off to venture forth into the next phase of my life. On or near the first of October I will no longer be a resident here at the homestead, but will in fact be moving and making my home with Mark. I guess I will have to change my blog title to something other than "from my homestead" as I will no longer be a country dweller. Talk about change! You know me, I would prefer to be in a rural place and perhaps someday that will again be possible. But for now, this geographical change is secondary and it is good and necessary. And it's not like I am moving to the big city so I know things will be just fine.

Life can be funny (not necessarily haha funnny, but funny) and unpredictable and boy don't I know that. I just feel so blessed to feel alive again, to experience such love and light after such sorrow. I wanted to let all of you know that my life is continuing on in a wonderful way and that I appreciate all of your comments, your visits and especially your friendship so very, very much. Be happy and be good to you. I'll be seeing you in the funny pages. :)

love, Sallie

a new chapter in my life

It's been more than three months since I last posted here. To say a lot has changed is an understatement. My entire life shifted when Coop passed away unexpectedly. And now, life is shifting again, but in a very positive direction. I have met someone special and over the course of the last several months have established a wonderful relationship with said person. And believe me, I have been judged and applauded for allowing love into my life so soon after Coop's demise. But, if you remember my words here, you'll recall I mentioned what I knew to be true, that I had a heart full of love to give and at some point in time I wished to establish a relationship again with someone deserving of that love. Well, to my surprise that has happened and I most definitely wished to share my good news with you.

Mark is a gentle man, well seasoned in the heartache that life often brings and as such is the most caring, compassionate and ego-less man I have ever met. He is a retired college English instructor and poet. It seems as if we were made for one another. We share so many idiosyncrasies and have such similar likes and dislikes that it feels as if we have known one another forever. Our relationship is one of total comfort.

As I mentioned, I have been judged and applauded for entering into a relationship so soon. Those who have judged obviously do not know my heart nor the amount of grief I've worked through and experienced. They do not know the emptiness I have felt, nor can they understand the depth of soul searching I have gone through. On the other hand, those who applaud my new found relationship understand that life can and does go on and living and loving is the essence of it. To those who judge I can only say this, I hope you never have to go through such a loss and such grief, but if you do then perhaps you will come to understand. To those who stand by me with happiness and encouragement I say, thank you for honest and loving support.

In the end all I can do is be grateful. I was so very blessed by the love I had known with Coop which I will carry with me and treasure forever. As both Mark and I know, Coop will always be a part of us and our life together. Now, to know the gift of love again is such a miracle to me. I count myself a most blessed person for knowing and experiencing great love and devotion twice in one lifetime, something so special that some may never know at all. That is a miracle.

The past week was a celebration of my 54th birthday. Mark came to spend the week with me and make it special, which he did and it was.

just two old and very happy hippies

If anyone is still reading this blog, I appreciate it and will continue to share as the latest chapter of my life unfolds. Over the next couple of months my life will be shifting in other ways as well.

to my friends

The days have kept me busy and away from blogging as is apparent. However I do wish to say how very much I appreciate the comments, thoughts and prayers that have been sent my way. If I don't always acknowledge you, please take no offense. I do acknowledge you in spirit.

I have decided to step away from blogging at least temporarily. I do so want to get back to sharing with you on a more regular basis those things which brought me to this place initially. However, my focus has been elsewhere as of late while I strive to recreate my life and deal with responsibilities on my own that once were shared by two people. With more responsibility comes less time. Right now I am still making preparations for my daughter, grandaughter and son in law to move in sometime in June. I have lined up a part time job as well and need to get busy with other options I have available for bringing in an income. It's funny how everyone assumes once you become widowed that there is some kind of benefits to follow. Not true. There is nothing available until you are 60 which I am not. Thank goodness Coop and I did simplify our lives and I know how to live simply and frugally. Even so, I am challenged.

Some of you commented about the recent Easter holiday and how it might be difficult for me with Coop being absent from my life. It was not because we did not regularly take note of the Christian holidays. However, Mothers Day will be somewhat of a challenge as will Fathers day. The hardest one I think will be my birthday and next year when our anniversary arrives. I don't know how I will get through those days yet. For now I am grateful they aren't immediately looming over me. Each week, in fact often each day brings me new challenges and old memories, yearnings for what was. I know I can't go back and change things, bring them back to how they were. That is the most painful thing of all. My life as I knew it is over and now I must begin again or in the least carry on. There are moments when I know I will make it, I am after all a survivor. There have been other times, moments of utter darkness when I was afraid I wouldn't, didn't even want to, and have had thoughts no one wants to hear about. I even tried grief counseling for awhile and that made me feel worse yet. No one can fully understand the pain of another's grief because that experience is uniquely based on the relationship that was. And despite how much support one has from family and friends, we are still very much alone in life, especially at times like this because it is always our own personal experience.

I did not mean to ramble on so. It is late, I am tired and feeling melancholy. I miss the intimacy of what once was. I stay up late at night until weariness forces me to rest, else I lay in my bed alone, sleepless, missing the comfort of my husband lying next to me, even when I know rest is essential and the morning will bring responsibilities and work that will tire me even more. It is what it is until it ceases to be like this. So my friends, peace be with you, take care and know how much I love and appreciate your presence here with me. I will leave the blog up in hopes that someday soon I will return with greater focus. I do so mean it when I say thank you for everything.

love, Sallie

Time, Life, Love, Change

Yesterday marked two months since Coop's passing. It has been difficult to say the least. The worst part is feeling so out of balance and without focus or motivation despite the fact that I have much I need to focus on, primarily my own survival. Time, it is my friend and my enemy. It helps to heal the trauma and the pain as it slips by, yet it can never be recaptured and continues to bring us closer to the end of life as we know it.

Slowly I am making changes in my life. My dearest friend has helped me along the past several weeks, encouraging me every step of the way. We have gradually made changes to my bedroom, allowing it to become my own so I can fall sleep a little less painfully at night. I have cleaned closets and sorted things as much as I have been able. I still have reminders of Coop's presence throughout...jackets and hats still hang near the basement door. I took them to the basement to be washed some time ago, but retrieved them only to hang them back in their proper place until it felt right to remove them for good. There are times I need to bury my face in them and cry my tears, to breathe in what little is left of his earthly presence.

I miss Coop so much, his presence, our shared affection. Despite how we much we appreciate the love in our lives, we never fully can understand the entirety of that appreciation until the object of our affection has been taken from the picture. Oh, the love lives on, in fact it is the only thing that isn't transitory. That is what cause such heartache and makes it so hard to accept the absence of a loved one. Love is the only thing that is truly real, of value and worth living for. That is the one prominent thought I have had since life has changed so abruptly for me. Everything else is just stuff that, although it may lend a level of ease or enjoyment to life, it is really of little value in the end.

It is early yet in the days of my sorrow. But having known a good, solid, trusting and meaningful relationship and having my life shift so quickly, I do know this...I would wish to eventually establish a similar relationship with another at some future point in time. My heart is still full of an unlimited amount of love and an even deeper of appreciation of it. And so I want to say this to you...

Appreciate the love in your life to your maximum ability. Don't take for granted all the little things that could one day cease to be a part of your daily experience...that morning cup of coffee poured for you, a shared laugh or kiss or hug. Be more spontaneous, more affectionate, make love more often and more passionately, let things go because the small stuff really doesn't matter in the end. Truly enjoy the presence of your loved ones as much as you humanly can. We always think we have tomorrow but the truth is, we only have today. Sometimes tomorrow changes everything and I would not want you to miss out on the fullness of love and life you are capable of experiencing right here, right now today.

There are only four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
~Don Juan de Marco

this and that

I am getting a little better now at getting back in the groove of day to day living. I have been able to keep the house in order and maintain a grip on those daily responsibilities like dishes, laundry and such. I have even begun to cook again. I know, that seems like a given but the loss and the grief have taken me down at times to a point where I did not want to get up.

I still have hopes of putting out a substantial garden this year. Unfortunately I have not started my seedlings and it's likely I will be purchasing my tomato and pepper plants this year instead of growing my own. I would not attempt a large garden for myself this year but my daughter and grandaughter will be here to help. Arrangements have been made and it appears my daughter, SIL and grandaughter will be moving in sometime within the next several months. Hard times for everyone indicate this is the best choice with the most benefits for everyone concerned. It will be an adjustment to say the least but not an impossible one. I have a lot of work to do in preparation for them. It feels a bit overwhelming, but no more so I suppose than the preparations they are making to leave their world behind and join mine. All I can do is my best and take it one day at a time. That and remeber to breathe. :)