Monday, March 30, 2009
I still have hopes of putting out a substantial garden this year. Unfortunately I have not started my seedlings and it's likely I will be purchasing my tomato and pepper plants this year instead of growing my own. I would not attempt a large garden for myself this year but my daughter and grandaughter will be here to help. Arrangements have been made and it appears my daughter, SIL and grandaughter will be moving in sometime within the next several months. Hard times for everyone indicate this is the best choice with the most benefits for everyone concerned. It will be an adjustment to say the least but not an impossible one. I have a lot of work to do in preparation for them. It feels a bit overwhelming, but no more so I suppose than the preparations they are making to leave their world behind and join mine. All I can do is my best and take it one day at a time. That and remeber to breathe. :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
My mind still roils in confusion much of the time. Scattered thoughts, a feeling of being disconnected, loose ends and lack of focus are commonplace. I eagerly await a time when I am more focused, have more intention than just getting through an hour, a day or a week. Yet time keeps passing and I know that I am making some progress. I still have not picked up my crochet or read a book or created something beautiful for the simple pleasure of the act itself. I will eventually. I have hope, in fact moments of extreme optimism, sometimes for a couple of days at a time. I take one step forward and often two steps back. I hate that the process of grief is long and unpredictable. I have to accept that this experience and this process is simply what it is and is something that I must go through. I can't fix it, make it disappear or rush it. It is frustrating, maddening at times and is something that challenges my very essence.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
When Canadian singer/songwriter Monica Joy first read the poem "Borrowed Hope", she immediately felt compelled to set the words to music. With a passion for walking alongside those in crisis, she wondered about the author's story, as the poem she received was anonymous.
When Monica chose to include the song on a recording of her original music entitled "If Everything is Lost", she began to seek out the poem's origin.
She discovered the author of the poem was named Eloise Cole, found a way to contact her, learned of her story, and marvelled at her repeated experiences of grief.
Deeply moved by the depth of Eloise's suffering and her ongoing story, the words that inspired the song came to mean even more.
Monica attributes the power of "Lend Me Your Hope" to the honesty and beauty of Eloise's words and experiences, which she continues to share when performing the song.
By Eloise Cole, Scottsdale, Arizona
Lend me your hope for awhile.
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily.
Pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn.
Looking ahead to the future times
does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see mirthless times, pain-filled days,
and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings.
I need to unleash the pain and let it tumble out.
Recovery seems so far distant;
the road to healing a long and lonely one.
Stand by me; offer me your presence.
Your ears and your love
acknowledge my pain. It is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile,
A time will come when I will heal
and I will lend my renewed hope to others.
from Daily Om
The need to touch and be touched is established early in our lives, as we develop and grow in the omnipresent embrace of our mother’s womb. Once we are born, separated from that sanctuary of connectivity, we begin to crave the physical embrace of our parents. As we age, we become more independent. Yet during times of triumph or trouble and during those moments when we are in need of reassurance, we can’t help but long for a hug.
Because a hug requires two active participants, each individual taking part in the embrace experiences the pleasure of being embraced and the joy that comes from hugging someone. As both individuals wrap their arms around one another, their energy blends together, and they experience a tangible feeling of togetherness that lingers long after physical contact has been broken. A heart hug is when you put your left arm over someone’s shoulder and your right arm around their waist. As they do the same to you, your hearts become aligned with one another other and loving, comforting energy flows between the two of you to flood your souls with , caring, and compassion.
A hug is a pleasurable way to share your feelings with someone who is important to you. Depending on your relationship with the other person and the kind of message you wish to send to them, a hug can communicate love, friendship, romance, congratulations, support, greeting, and any other sentiment you wish to convey. A hug communicates to others that you are there for them in a positive way. In an instant, a hug can reestablish a bond between long lost friends and comfort those in pain. The next time you hug someone, focus all of your energy into the embrace. You will create a profound connection that infuses your feelings and sentiments into a single beautiful gesture.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tonight I am alone with my thoughts, alone in this house. I have chosen to be. I needed to be. Friends and family have been with me for two and a half weeks, afraid to leave my side, knowing I needed them. And they needed to be here for me. Where might I be without them? Even more lost I imagine. But I needed to test the waters. To see if I can make it through a night alone. I needed to talk aloud to my Coop instad of whispering in the dark under the sheets in our bed. I have to believe he hears me, is by my side strengthening me, loving me. If not, how do I go on? So tonight, when all is quiet I cry alone, talk to my Coop, wail in an unfamiliar voice and write. It is in these moments of despair I can only feel what is missing.
Everything has changed.
My comfort, my strength, my lover, my most intimate friend is gone.
In one single moment that I will live over and over again, he is gone. Taken from me.
Like a light that shines brightly, then with one single click...turned off...gone.
Lights out forever.
What would I give to feel your arms envelop me just once more?
To hear your voice, the music of your laughter or see your smile,
to touch your face, kiss your mouth just once more?
Everything. I would give everything.
Now I must will myself to go on, to learn to live all over again.
How will I accomplish this without you, my strength and resolve?
How do I go on...alone, learn to live in each day without projecting thoughts into all the tomorrows without you?
And in yestrdays as well, lest I wrap myself in sorrow forever for what has been and will not be again?
They keep telling me I am strong. But in this moment, these long, dark nights of my soul I am weak, brought to my knees, the wind knocked out of me by some invisible blow. Yet I know there are others who have lost their soul mate and a part of themselves and have suffered like this. Small comfort, but I will take what I can. I must not lose sight of myself. I must carry on as if life matters even if I am alone.
I pray to an unseen force, I pray to my beloved that I may be like the phoenix that rises up from the ashes. I pray for the strength to begin again, to remember who I am. I must remember who I alone am because everything has changed.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009