Monday, March 30, 2009

this and that

I am getting a little better now at getting back in the groove of day to day living. I have been able to keep the house in order and maintain a grip on those daily responsibilities like dishes, laundry and such. I have even begun to cook again. I know, that seems like a given but the loss and the grief have taken me down at times to a point where I did not want to get up.

I still have hopes of putting out a substantial garden this year. Unfortunately I have not started my seedlings and it's likely I will be purchasing my tomato and pepper plants this year instead of growing my own. I would not attempt a large garden for myself this year but my daughter and grandaughter will be here to help. Arrangements have been made and it appears my daughter, SIL and grandaughter will be moving in sometime within the next several months. Hard times for everyone indicate this is the best choice with the most benefits for everyone concerned. It will be an adjustment to say the least but not an impossible one. I have a lot of work to do in preparation for them. It feels a bit overwhelming, but no more so I suppose than the preparations they are making to leave their world behind and join mine. All I can do is my best and take it one day at a time. That and remeber to breathe. :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Time keeps passing. I keep taking what seems like terribly small steps ahead into my future. My family and friends continue to support me in so many ways and I am filled with humbleness and gratitude for the love they show towards me. My nights are not empty and alone because of them. I am able to talk, cry and share my concerns and voice my confusion in the comfort of their love and presence. My gardens are turned under because of them. My financial needs are not an immediate concern because of them. I am getting through this all because of them.

My mind still roils in confusion much of the time. Scattered thoughts, a feeling of being disconnected, loose ends and lack of focus are commonplace. I eagerly await a time when I am more focused, have more intention than just getting through an hour, a day or a week. Yet time keeps passing and I know that I am making some progress. I still have not picked up my crochet or read a book or created something beautiful for the simple pleasure of the act itself. I will eventually. I have hope, in fact moments of extreme optimism, sometimes for a couple of days at a time. I take one step forward and often two steps back. I hate that the process of grief is long and unpredictable. I have to accept that this experience and this process is simply what it is and is something that I must go through. I can't fix it, make it disappear or rush it. It is frustrating, maddening at times and is something that challenges my very essence.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

dear friends

Has it been almost four weeks now since my dear Coop departed this realm? Seems impossible that such a span of time has passed. I am doing ok, all things considered. Just trying to figure out my new version of life, feeling lost and overwhelmed a lot, wondering how I will support myself as well as how I will live without the love and intimacy of another. I am having good spans of time as well in which I feel a sense of optimism. The company of good friends and family members has been the greatest help to me. Friends allow me to talk my way through an evening, listening to all my attempts to define how this feels. They allow me to cry when the sorrow or fear overwhelms, offer hugs and words of wisdom and encouragement as well as giving me the ability to laugh again. I truly do not know how I would have gotten this far without them...without you. I just wanted to let all of you know how very much I appreciate your support and the comfort of your words. Dear friends, nearby or here in cyberspace, you mean the world to me.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Lend Me Your Hope

When Canadian singer/songwriter Monica Joy first read the poem "Borrowed Hope", she immediately felt compelled to set the words to music. With a passion for walking alongside those in crisis, she wondered about the author's story, as the poem she received was anonymous.

When Monica chose to include the song on a recording of her original music entitled "If Everything is Lost", she began to seek out the poem's origin.

She discovered the author of the poem was named Eloise Cole, found a way to contact her, learned of her story, and marvelled at her repeated experiences of grief.

Deeply moved by the depth of Eloise's suffering and her ongoing story, the words that inspired the song came to mean even more.

Monica attributes the power of "Lend Me Your Hope" to the honesty and beauty of Eloise's words and experiences, which she continues to share when performing the song.

By Eloise Cole, Scottsdale, Arizona

Lend me your hope for awhile.
I seem to have mislaid mine.

Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily.
Pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn.
Looking ahead to the future times
does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see mirthless times, pain-filled days,
and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.

Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings.
I need to unleash the pain and let it tumble out.
Recovery seems so far distant;
the road to healing a long and lonely one.

Stand by me; offer me your presence.
Your ears and your love
acknowledge my pain. It is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
A time will come when I will heal
and I will lend my renewed hope to others.

The Energy of an Embrace

I feel like I am living for hugs these days, that physical touch that reassures, expresses love and connection. I don't know about you, but I'll take all I can get.

from Daily Om


The need to touch and be touched is established early in our lives, as we develop and grow in the omnipresent embrace of our mother’s womb. Once we are born, separated from that sanctuary of connectivity, we begin to crave the physical embrace of our parents. As we age, we become more independent. Yet during times of triumph or trouble and during those moments when we are in need of reassurance, we can’t help but long for a hug.

Because a hug requires two active participants, each individual taking part in the embrace experiences the pleasure of being embraced and the joy that comes from hugging someone. As both individuals wrap their arms around one another, their energy blends together, and they experience a tangible feeling of togetherness that lingers long after physical contact has been broken. A heart hug is when you put your left arm over someone’s shoulder and your right arm around their waist. As they do the same to you, your hearts become aligned with one another other and loving, comforting energy flows between the two of you to flood your souls with feelings of love, caring, and compassion.

A hug is a pleasurable way to share your feelings with someone who is important to you. Depending on your relationship with the other person and the kind of message you wish to send to them, a hug can communicate love, friendship, romance, congratulations, support, greeting, and any other sentiment you wish to convey. A hug communicates to others that you are there for them in a positive way. In an instant, a hug can reestablish a bond between long lost friends and comfort those in pain. The next time you hug someone, focus all of your energy into the embrace. You will create a profound connection that infuses your feelings and sentiments into a single beautiful gesture.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

everything has changed

I am no stranger to grief. When I was 24 my mother died. It took years, but I got over it. When I was 39 my father died. I grieved and got over it. When I was 50 my brother died. I miss him but I have gotten over it. On Feb. 15th, just two and half weeks ago my one true love, my husband of nearly 30 years died. Within 24 hours the son of a best friend died. Within 48 hours my sister died. I mourn for my friend, I mourn for my sister's family, but I will get over it. You never "get over" it, this I know. You move on. But the death of my Coop? Grief is not alien to me, but this loss, this pain, this alone-ness is so different, so deep, so filled with emptiness and sorrow. Funny how emptiness and alone-ness can fill you. My grief is all consuming in moments. I do not wish to bring others down by it, yet I feel I must put it down in words as best I can. I write, it is what I do. I ask that you, my readers bear with me if you can. If not, close the window.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts, alone in this house. I have chosen to be. I needed to be. Friends and family have been with me for two and a half weeks, afraid to leave my side, knowing I needed them. And they needed to be here for me. Where might I be without them? Even more lost I imagine. But I needed to test the waters. To see if I can make it through a night alone. I needed to talk aloud to my Coop instad of whispering in the dark under the sheets in our bed. I have to believe he hears me, is by my side strengthening me, loving me. If not, how do I go on? So tonight, when all is quiet I cry alone, talk to my Coop, wail in an unfamiliar voice and write. It is in these moments of despair I can only feel what is missing.

Everything has changed.
My comfort, my strength, my lover, my most intimate friend is gone.
In one single moment that I will live over and over again, he is gone. Taken from me.
Like a light that shines brightly, then with one single click...turned off...gone.
Lights out forever.

What would I give to feel your arms envelop me just once more?
To hear your voice, the music of your laughter or see your smile,
to touch your face, kiss your mouth just once more?
Everything. I would give everything.

Now I must will myself to go on, to learn to live all over again.
How will I accomplish this without you, my strength and resolve?
How do I go on...alone, learn to live in each day without projecting thoughts into all the tomorrows without you?
And in yestrdays as well, lest I wrap myself in sorrow forever for what has been and will not be again?

They keep telling me I am strong. But in this moment, these long, dark nights of my soul I am weak, brought to my knees, the wind knocked out of me by some invisible blow. Yet I know there are others who have lost their soul mate and a part of themselves and have suffered like this. Small comfort, but I will take what I can. I must not lose sight of myself. I must carry on as if life matters even if I am alone.

I pray to an unseen force, I pray to my beloved that I may be like the phoenix that rises up from the ashes. I pray for the strength to begin again, to remember who I am. I must remember who I alone am because everything has changed.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

memories of yesterday

I have been absent for awhile now. It has been two weeks and two days since my beloved Coop, my life and my rock passed from this earth plane. It was abrupt and a shock to all. I find comfort in the fact that he went quickly and painlessly in his sleep. I have much to say to others as I reflect on the feelings and thoughts that run through my heart and mind. But those things will have to wait. For now I am grieving as I practice facing the future one day, sometimes only one moment or hour at a time. I will return when I'm able to dedicate my thoughts to these pages. In the meantime I simple wanted to let all of you know what has taken place and why I have been absent. I miss my partner and best friend and the children and grandchildren miss their dad and grandpa. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. More importantly, please appreciate those loved ones you hold dear and never, ever take life and love for granted. We always think there is tomorrow but often there is no tomorrow, only the memories of yesterday.