Tuesday, March 24, 2009

time

Time keeps passing. I keep taking what seems like terribly small steps ahead into my future. My family and friends continue to support me in so many ways and I am filled with humbleness and gratitude for the love they show towards me. My nights are not empty and alone because of them. I am able to talk, cry and share my concerns and voice my confusion in the comfort of their love and presence. My gardens are turned under because of them. My financial needs are not an immediate concern because of them. I am getting through this all because of them.

My mind still roils in confusion much of the time. Scattered thoughts, a feeling of being disconnected, loose ends and lack of focus are commonplace. I eagerly await a time when I am more focused, have more intention than just getting through an hour, a day or a week. Yet time keeps passing and I know that I am making some progress. I still have not picked up my crochet or read a book or created something beautiful for the simple pleasure of the act itself. I will eventually. I have hope, in fact moments of extreme optimism, sometimes for a couple of days at a time. I take one step forward and often two steps back. I hate that the process of grief is long and unpredictable. I have to accept that this experience and this process is simply what it is and is something that I must go through. I can't fix it, make it disappear or rush it. It is frustrating, maddening at times and is something that challenges my very essence.

9 comments:

  1. It will challenge you and I know this is by far the hardest thing you have ever dealt with in your life. You are a strong, caring, beautiful and compassionate woman. You are a creative goddess in this temporary world we call home. Your heart is wounded but it will heal with a few scars. Time can seem like the enemy when emotions are scattered and sorrow has bestowed you. Your hope will get you through and the time will begin to breeze by faster as summer approaches and you begin new and familiar things.

    We love you more than any earthly or human words could ever speak. I know we are not the ones you crave to hold you and give you comfort. None of us will ever be able to replace dad or fill his black rubber boots. But we are here and we'll do our best to follow as closely behind his footsteps as we can.

    I love you so much Mom and I know your soul aches. We are so very blessed to have you for a mom, g-maw and a friend. It will get better and this too shall pass. :-)

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  2. What a wonderful post and the comment your daughter left I cannot even come close to. Thinking of you ~Kim

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  3. Your daughter is a beautifl person and she is that way because of the way you and your husband made her the person she is today. She is sending you strength,love and compassion that only a family member can bestow upon you.My thought,prayers and hopeful wishes for youare in my daily thoughts, Sincerely and a cyber space hug to you. Lilly

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  4. I know that I am not very supportive lately...I create more of a downer for you than you need at this time...and for this I apologize. I just want you to know that I love you and am still here for you....anything I can do to help you through this grievous transition, I will do.

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  5. Such beautiful words from your daughter. I certainly can't do better than that. You just keeping stepping. Doesn't matter which direction just yet.

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  6. Words simply cannot express how I feel about your situation, only that I wish you the very best.

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  7. Your daughter's words were like reading her heart. Keep trying, keep remembering, and keep your friends and family close.

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  8. Love and appreciation towards all of you. My daughter knows me by heart, yes, and I am so very blessed by the comfort of her words and those whose love and prayers surround me. Thank you all so much for adding light and comfort to my days by expressing your thoughts.

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  9. I agree with the others-your daughter is lighting the way for you so just follow her.

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I sure appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. I may not always have time to respond or acknowledge them but I do read them all and highly value your presence here.

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