Saturday, November 21, 2009

reflecting back with gratitude

Life has had it's hard moments, this past year especially. Family dynamics have changed somewhat as one realizes they cannot live their life for anyone but themselves regardless of how that makes others feel. We all survive and go one and adjust. It's what we do and have been doing for centuries.

It's been the most unusual year and the most surreal one of my life, not to mention the hardest. The shock of Coop's death and the loss I felt afterwards are indescribable. The death of my mom, dad, sister or brother cannot even come close to what it felt like to lose Coop. No one can truly understand that unless they have lived with and loved someone for that long and realize who they are as an individual is completely wrapped up in that other person...and then in an instant that person is gone, unexpectedly, forever and forever life is changed. Life becomes alien, unfamiliar and everything you do is now surreal because that other person isn't there...when you drive in the car or shop for groceries or come home or fix dinner or go to bed or get up in the morning. Every action, every though hurts because it is a moment to moment reminder of how life has been altered...premanently.

But then, slowly you begin to adjust and have good days in between when tears don't come as often. And you realize that you have a huge place in your heart, as if the love you have known has expanded your heart, opened it to the possibility of experiencing joy and love again, that feeling love for another does not take anything away from the love you have known nor decrease it in any way. Love knows no limits or boundries and loving one does not take away love or limit love for another. Anyone who has children understands this quite well.

I am just thankful for the love I have been given in my life from my family and friends...most especially from my children, their spouses, my sister and and from Coop and Mark. I wonder at times what I might have done to deserve the love of so many and the two wonderful men I have been priveledged to love and be loved by, but then life is strange that way. I don't think it's a matter of deserving really, but more a matter of allowing.

I am grateful for all the goodness and love in my life despite the dark days of the past year. I recall even then, being so very grateful for all the people and blessings in my life as I went through that period. I continue to feel gratitude for each day that I am given to be here, alive on this earth to experience all those things that make us human.