Wednesday, March 4, 2009

everything has changed

I am no stranger to grief. When I was 24 my mother died. It took years, but I got over it. When I was 39 my father died. I grieved and got over it. When I was 50 my brother died. I miss him but I have gotten over it. On Feb. 15th, just two and half weeks ago my one true love, my husband of nearly 30 years died. Within 24 hours the son of a best friend died. Within 48 hours my sister died. I mourn for my friend, I mourn for my sister's family, but I will get over it. You never "get over" it, this I know. You move on. But the death of my Coop? Grief is not alien to me, but this loss, this pain, this alone-ness is so different, so deep, so filled with emptiness and sorrow. Funny how emptiness and alone-ness can fill you. My grief is all consuming in moments. I do not wish to bring others down by it, yet I feel I must put it down in words as best I can. I write, it is what I do. I ask that you, my readers bear with me if you can. If not, close the window.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts, alone in this house. I have chosen to be. I needed to be. Friends and family have been with me for two and a half weeks, afraid to leave my side, knowing I needed them. And they needed to be here for me. Where might I be without them? Even more lost I imagine. But I needed to test the waters. To see if I can make it through a night alone. I needed to talk aloud to my Coop instad of whispering in the dark under the sheets in our bed. I have to believe he hears me, is by my side strengthening me, loving me. If not, how do I go on? So tonight, when all is quiet I cry alone, talk to my Coop, wail in an unfamiliar voice and write. It is in these moments of despair I can only feel what is missing.

Everything has changed.
My comfort, my strength, my lover, my most intimate friend is gone.
In one single moment that I will live over and over again, he is gone. Taken from me.
Like a light that shines brightly, then with one single click...turned off...gone.
Lights out forever.

What would I give to feel your arms envelop me just once more?
To hear your voice, the music of your laughter or see your smile,
to touch your face, kiss your mouth just once more?
Everything. I would give everything.

Now I must will myself to go on, to learn to live all over again.
How will I accomplish this without you, my strength and resolve?
How do I go on...alone, learn to live in each day without projecting thoughts into all the tomorrows without you?
And in yestrdays as well, lest I wrap myself in sorrow forever for what has been and will not be again?

They keep telling me I am strong. But in this moment, these long, dark nights of my soul I am weak, brought to my knees, the wind knocked out of me by some invisible blow. Yet I know there are others who have lost their soul mate and a part of themselves and have suffered like this. Small comfort, but I will take what I can. I must not lose sight of myself. I must carry on as if life matters even if I am alone.

I pray to an unseen force, I pray to my beloved that I may be like the phoenix that rises up from the ashes. I pray for the strength to begin again, to remember who I am. I must remember who I alone am because everything has changed.


  1. My heart aches deeply for you! Your post was touching and I appreciate your willingness to share you feelings with us. It is a good reminder to your readers to cheerish each day.

  2. So touching, my friend. You write here as much as you need to. You will find no judgement among your readers. You need this, and we will be here, commenting or silent, thinking of you with love. xoxo

  3. Be strong my friend. Coop is with you, as is God! Though you may not be able to physically see or touch them, they are with you. I'm glad you have this post to turn to. My heart goes out to you!

  4. Time is your best friend in things like this. (Although it completely sounds far too small to use the words "things like this.") Don't try to hard or push. Just be. This time, however long you need, belongs to you and Coop. And remember that he is with you.

  5. I only wish there was something I could truly do to ease your impossibility...but I am here when you need someone beside you, to listen, to talk, to reminisce or just be...anytime, day or night. I love you my dear sister.

  6. My dear, I am so, so, sorry. I had wondered about your absence but after reading this I was floored. I do not even have the words to offer you right now. But please know that I am sending my thoughts, and my prayers to you. How I can relate to the abject sadness that you feel. I hope that I am not rambling but I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and please continue to use your space here as a means to talk out whatever it is you need to say. We aren't going anywhere. We are here for you. We will listen.
    With the deepest sympathy,

  7. Many brightest blessings to you my dear...Your loved ones will show you the way to strength when your ready and I hope you do rise like a bold Pheonix to live again..I am deeply sorry for your loss.

  8. Baby steps Mom... baby steps. I love you and will see you tomorrow!

  9. I am so very sorry. There are no words that will lessen your pain, I know this. Only time can do that. But, although, I do not know you and I have only just stumbled upon your blog, know that my heart aches for your loss and my eyes fill with tears while reading your words. Hold on. Know that he is still there with you and will be for as long as you need him to be.

  10. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that your friends are here for you.

  11. There really no words I can say that will help you. Time is all there is. I can surely say, that losing my husband (we are married 25 years this year, and lived together 28) would be more than i could stand. I dont think "getting over" it would be an option, maybe "learning to deal with it" would be more like it. On top of the loss of your dearheart, to have those other losses at the same time is just unimaginable to me. I wish you all the strength in the world, and truly wish i could say something that would make a difference. I would, though, like to thank you for pointing out what is truly important in life. Please take care of yourself

  12. I wondered where you had gone. Now I know. You've traveled alone in the land of grief. Thank you for letting us know and sharing with us, painful as it must be.

    I remember being with my father after my mother passed on. he spoke with her often in his room, quietly at first because he didn't want us to hear. Over the months he spoke aloud to her in the might and early mornings, and it was comforting to hear him and to know she was still there. Because she was.

    With love,

    Granny Sue

  13. You once gifted me with these words, so I give them back to you in remembrance of exactly how I feel right now...

    My Light Companion
    May you there's someone
    who flies right next to you...
    And may you feel her presence
    whenever you need too...


    I stand by you...

  14. To Katie- Although you didn't know, the video link you included of John singing "Stand by Me" was serendipitous because that was our song. In fact it was one of the songs I chose for Coop's memorial service.

    To my other beautiful friends here - I want to say how much I appreciate your presence, your condolences and meaningful words. I am feeling some better now, at least for today. Thank you for standing by me and allowing me to speak openly of my heartache. I love you all.

  15. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

  16. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  17. So sorry to hear of your loss.My hugs are always there for you as I have received them myself. Never be afraid to cry or wail whatever helps. Wish I could be there for you.

  18. Dear earth heart...

    I read your post with tears streaming down my face and feel the pain you have endured...and will endure for months to come. I can promise you it will get better. Not tomorrow or the next day, or even next week...but it will ease in time. Sorrow, I think, is a living thing that ebbs and flows over us. I, for one, have longed to be able to turn the clock back and relive the time I cherished with the love of my life, but I must go you time.

    Please give yourself time to to friends and family...WRITE and share here all you possibly feel able to do.

    One morning in the months to come, it will be easier to breathe and you will find yourself miraculously getting through a day without tears...until then, God bless you and keep you and cause His face to shine upon you and give you peace.



I sure appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. I may not always have time to respond or acknowledge them but I do read them all and highly value your presence here.