so when will they come for us?

…and then they came for the trans* people. (via Second Council House of Virgo)

Operation Zeus in August last year marked the start of an ugly reminder of a European past that we thought we had long buried.  Nearly 60 years after the end of the Second European War, migrants were round up from the streets of Greece and shoved unceremoniously…

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lost

i have been reminiscing too much.  about walks in the woods or a moonlit stroll down a country road at 3 AM.  about barefoot mornings in my garden  gathering fresh tomatoes in the skirt of my nightgown.  about summer evenings on the front porch watching the rain move across the fields.  about hanging laundry to dry in the summer breeze.  i used to feel that i never needed to get away when every summer night was a little vacation as i took my glass of iced tea and retired to the patio after a good days work.

i used to love, love, love being at home.  often i didn't care if i left the property for a week or two at a time.  i loved getting up to the sunrise burning the mist from the field.  i was always busy with a creative project, be it cooking, writing or crocheting.  seldom did i lack inspiration.

now, as much as i hate to admit it, i feel as if i have lost a lot of my zest for living.  i leave just to get out of the house.  i seldom cook or create.  as nice as our backyard and patio are here, you seldom see me out there enjoying it.  as big and functional as my workspace in the basement is, you'll seldom see me using it.  i go downstairs only to do laundry or an occasional mending project.  i spend most of my time at the dining room table or at the computer accomplishing little but making lists of things i should be doing or playing mindless games to pass the time.

even though i have some social anxiety, i miss people.  my people, my family.  i have had real difficulty making new friends here in this small town.  i joined the art gallery a couple of years ago to showcase my jewelry and creations.  i only stayed with that a year.  i found most of the people involved to be snooty and ego driven.  maybe i judge too harshly out of my own insecurities.

i would love to find my muse again, to feel happiness or contentment or the energy of living again.  i really would.  just my thoughts on this rainy, gray first of june.  maybe i live too much in the past.  i try not to. i have tried to embrace the present and this life apart from who and what i have always been and known.  and perhaps therein lies the problem.  i am not being true to me.  but here i am and i'm not sure how to change that since i'm not able to do all the things i used to do.  and my partner seems less capable than me when it comes to living a more soulful life.

i need to find something to plug into, a light socket source of energy and inspiration.  at this moment i have no idea where or what that is, but i do hope i find it...soon.  i've been trying to convince myself for four years that i'm happy here, but i am not.  shouldn't you be able to be happy where you are?  that's what all the spiritual teachings imply.  be happy where you are.  any ideas or helpful advice is welcome.

in loving memory

on dec. 28th we had to say good-bye to furby, mark's best friend for the past fourteen years.  cancer had gotten the best of her and it was time to quit.  it has been a sad, sad time for both of us but especially for mark. rip sweet little girl.  we will always love you and miss your physical presence in our lives.  godspeed.   

reflections & introspection

Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me...
 (Brian Holland/Lamont Dozier/Edward Holland,Jr.)

unless you're in the vicinity of my age you may not know where those words come from.  i'll give you a hint...dianna ross, get out of my head!

the holiday season is near over and for a lot of people it has been a rough time.  maybe the hardest part of the year.  for me, yeah, that's pretty true.  i seem to make it through birthdays, anniversaries, and other dates you would think would get to me...like the anniversary of coop's death...things likes that.  but the winter holidays are kinda like a double whammy.  not only am i trying to make new memories with mark, but at the same time without my family.  yeah, things used to be a whole lot different but then, not just for me. 

i have been reflecting on that part a lot lately...how it must be for those who used to be an important part of my life, how much anger and hurt they must feel to have to disrupt the family and exclude me entirely.  and the things is, i understand to a great degree how they must see me and my past actions.  i do however wonder if they actually see themselves.  doing that they would have to reconsider everything, not just my actions but theirs as well.  we all make mistakes so we can learn from them, but  it seems a lot easier to blame others than to look at yourself. looking at yourself can be pretty ugly at times.  plus it's hard to keep perspective and not go down that dark road to self loathing and depression.  i'm all too familiar with that place and it's not a place you choose to visit any too often. 

so, i guess i'm broadening my perception even more so these days.  the winter solstice season is a time for reflecting and introspection.  soul searching is necessary if we ever want to know ourselves, forgive ourselves and understand and forgive others.  then maybe we can move forward a little more gracefully.  this holiday season was really rough at first for a lot of reasons but i made it a whole lot better than it might have been.  it didn't just happen.  i chose it and i'm so glad i did. 

dear human

 

after researching these words, i learned there is actually more to this.  it continues with...

"But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty."

Courtney A. Walsh

 

think about it

People who inspire you are living a version of life that you want to live. And people that you envy hold the key to the things you "think" you are missing from your life. ~Mastin

i get so angry

 

 about this

Breaking: Major Harvard Study Published in Federal Govt Journal Confirms Fluoride Lowers IQ

Read more: http://naturalsociety.com/harvard-study-published-federal-govt-journal-confirms-fluoride-lowers-iq/#ixzz27OYHQWcl

and about this