Friday, December 28, 2012

reflections & introspection

Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me...
 (Brian Holland/Lamont Dozier/Edward Holland,Jr.)

unless you're in the vicinity of my age you may not know where those words come from.  i'll give you a hint...dianna ross, get out of my head!

the holiday season is near over and for a lot of people it has been a rough time.  maybe the hardest part of the year.  for me, yeah, that's pretty true.  i seem to make it through birthdays, anniversaries, and other dates you would think would get to me...like the anniversary of coop's death...things likes that.  but the winter holidays are kinda like a double whammy.  not only am i trying to make new memories with mark, but at the same time without my family.  yeah, things used to be a whole lot different but then, not just for me. 

i have been reflecting on that part a lot lately...how it must be for those who used to be an important part of my life, how much anger and hurt they must feel to have to disrupt the family and exclude me entirely.  and the things is, i understand to a great degree how they must see me and my past actions.  i do however wonder if they actually see themselves.  doing that they would have to reconsider everything, not just my actions but theirs as well.  we all make mistakes so we can learn from them, but  it seems a lot easier to blame others than to look at yourself. looking at yourself can be pretty ugly at times.  plus it's hard to keep perspective and not go down that dark road to self loathing and depression.  i'm all too familiar with that place and it's not a place you choose to visit any too often. 

so, i guess i'm broadening my perception even more so these days.  the winter solstice season is a time for reflecting and introspection.  soul searching is necessary if we ever want to know ourselves, forgive ourselves and understand and forgive others.  then maybe we can move forward a little more gracefully.  this holiday season was really rough at first for a lot of reasons but i made it a whole lot better than it might have been.  it didn't just happen.  i chose it and i'm so glad i did. 


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