Saturday, June 1, 2013

lost

i have been reminiscing too much.  about walks in the woods or a moonlit stroll down a country road at 3 AM.  about barefoot mornings in my garden  gathering fresh tomatoes in the skirt of my nightgown.  about summer evenings on the front porch watching the rain move across the fields.  about hanging laundry to dry in the summer breeze.  i used to feel that i never needed to get away when every summer night was a little vacation as i took my glass of iced tea and retired to the patio after a good days work.

i used to love, love, love being at home.  often i didn't care if i left the property for a week or two at a time.  i loved getting up to the sunrise burning the mist from the field.  i was always busy with a creative project, be it cooking, writing or crocheting.  seldom did i lack inspiration.

now, as much as i hate to admit it, i feel as if i have lost a lot of my zest for living.  i leave just to get out of the house.  i seldom cook or create.  as nice as our backyard and patio are here, you seldom see me out there enjoying it.  as big and functional as my workspace in the basement is, you'll seldom see me using it.  i go downstairs only to do laundry or an occasional mending project.  i spend most of my time at the dining room table or at the computer accomplishing little but making lists of things i should be doing or playing mindless games to pass the time.

even though i have some social anxiety, i miss people.  my people, my family.  i have had real difficulty making new friends here in this small town.  i joined the art gallery a couple of years ago to showcase my jewelry and creations.  i only stayed with that a year.  i found most of the people involved to be snooty and ego driven.  maybe i judge too harshly out of my own insecurities.

i would love to find my muse again, to feel happiness or contentment or the energy of living again.  i really would.  just my thoughts on this rainy, gray first of june.  maybe i live too much in the past.  i try not to. i have tried to embrace the present and this life apart from who and what i have always been and known.  and perhaps therein lies the problem.  i am not being true to me.  but here i am and i'm not sure how to change that since i'm not able to do all the things i used to do.  and my partner seems less capable than me when it comes to living a more soulful life.

i need to find something to plug into, a light socket source of energy and inspiration.  at this moment i have no idea where or what that is, but i do hope i find it...soon.  i've been trying to convince myself for four years that i'm happy here, but i am not.  shouldn't you be able to be happy where you are?  that's what all the spiritual teachings imply.  be happy where you are.  any ideas or helpful advice is welcome.

5 comments:

  1. Hey sweetpea...

    I think we all hit plateaus like this from time to time. You have been through a lot in the past few years, and you have navigated it all pretty well, it seems to me. But there are bound to be times when it gets like this.

    I have been there a couple of times in this past 12 years since I had the rug pulled out from under me physically. It's been a real trip, learning how to live differently, being in a new place, having to try (halfheartedly) to make new friends. And I turned 60 this year. And other physical things are happening to me. And I'm tired of it.

    Lucky for me, I am living the place that you left. Sort of. And I do stay home for days and days in a row and don't even get dressed if I don't want to. lol It scares me sometimes. I'll spend way too much time in here on the computer when I have a lot of things I should be doing. I'll feel sorry for myself and my losses and all the rest. And then I remember that if I want it to change, I'm the one who has to do it. Sometimes I have to sit in the muck a while, until I'm done. But when I'm done, it's me has to to get off my ass and change it. And that's usually by changing small things, a little at a time, and making new habits.

    But when you're ready, it will happen. So, here's my advice to you: (this helped me a LOT).
    Get a copy, if you don't already have one, of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Do all the assignments in it. DILIGENTLY.

    I'm going to get mine back out now too. I could use a jumpstart!

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    Replies
    1. annie-i think you are probably the only one left reading my blog, lol! woman, i love ya! thank you for the advice. i will definitely take it. you are a gem.

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  2. Hi there!
    It is so funny that I have been trying to remember this blog as I was a regular reader of it year's ago. Just two days ago I was telling a friend that I have always been a "Homesteader at Heart" and for some reason that struck a chord of familiarity.I couldn't remember where I remembered that from. I remember your story and remember you were married and your husband died unexpectedly. Please forgive me if i am confusing you with someone else. But I remember all the wonderful stories that you used to tell of your simple living.

    I can understand what you are saying and what you are feeling. When I used to blog about my garden exploits, that was one of the happiest times of my life. The ability to get out and run my hands through the dirt, grow things and just find my peace. Since then, I am no longer with my husband, live in an apartment, and no longer have the option of connecting with the earth the way that I once did. I miss it so. I did go back to school and recently got my Bachelor's Degree. Although I haven't found any work yet, I look at it as a means to hopefully find a little spot of land again and get back to the life I know that I was created to live. I am 52 now but it is a passion that burns in me that I refuse to believe that I will no longer ignite. So I do understand what you are saying. I am so happy that I found my way back to your blog and I hope to stay in touch with it and that you find your "mojo" again and recapture that love of life that you shared with us.

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    1. i remember you! you are not confusing me with anyone else darlin'. i went back to your blog and read of the tragedy that struck your family. i am so, so sorry. and yes, we do need to stay in touch.
      congrats on your bachelor's degree! i do so wish you are able to find your little spot of land and get back to that life we both love and miss so much. i have no such dreams because i just cannot do the work i used to with my disability and w/o the man that helped make it all possible. that's not to say M isn't a wonderful person, it's just that he s not any more capable than i am. adjusting to one's reality is not often easy when it changes so dramatically and accepting one's limitations can be depressing, but we do what we can do and make the best of it. i will always have a love of the simpler, more sustainable life and miss it more than most can understand. bless your heart for finding me and writing. what a treat to hear from you! i am recuperating from surgery right now and your message was a welcome surprise! i hope to recapture my mojo and zest for life once i have fully recuperated. :) the past few years seem to have taken a toll but hopefully i will get back on track before long. i would like to continue to blog and share something of of life that may be of interest to others. again, i'm so glad you found me and took the time to connect. <3

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  3. I am new to your blog, but wanted to say that sometimes healing comes in starts and fits with lags of blah in between. Life, no matter what isn't always fun and happy, and it's ok to get down a bit. Maybe try finding one thing inspirational a week and work from there. Also, small towns kind of have to grow on you and you on them. Pick one thing a month to go to in the small town (or part of it to visit- if it's like mine not much goes one lol). If you go and people seem off putting find the humor in it or try to imagine a funny story for why they are being that way. Sometimes, small town people just aren't good at socializing with others - they act superior b/c they fear everyone finds them ignorant. Anyways, good luck and keep your chin up.

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I sure appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. I may not always have time to respond or acknowledge them but I do read them all and highly value your presence here.

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