lost

i have been reminiscing too much.  about walks in the woods or a moonlit stroll down a country road at 3 AM.  about barefoot mornings in my garden  gathering fresh tomatoes in the skirt of my nightgown.  about summer evenings on the front porch watching the rain move across the fields.  about hanging laundry to dry in the summer breeze.  i used to feel that i never needed to get away when every summer night was a little vacation as i took my glass of iced tea and retired to the patio after a good days work.

i used to love, love, love being at home.  often i didn't care if i left the property for a week or two at a time.  i loved getting up to the sunrise burning the mist from the field.  i was always busy with a creative project, be it cooking, writing or crocheting.  seldom did i lack inspiration.

now, as much as i hate to admit it, i feel as if i have lost a lot of my zest for living.  i leave just to get out of the house.  i seldom cook or create.  as nice as our backyard and patio are here, you seldom see me out there enjoying it.  as big and functional as my workspace in the basement is, you'll seldom see me using it.  i go downstairs only to do laundry or an occasional mending project.  i spend most of my time at the dining room table or at the computer accomplishing little but making lists of things i should be doing or playing mindless games to pass the time.

even though i have some social anxiety, i miss people.  my people, my family.  i have had real difficulty making new friends here in this small town.  i joined the art gallery a couple of years ago to showcase my jewelry and creations.  i only stayed with that a year.  i found most of the people involved to be snooty and ego driven.  maybe i judge too harshly out of my own insecurities.

i would love to find my muse again, to feel happiness or contentment or the energy of living again.  i really would.  just my thoughts on this rainy, gray first of june.  maybe i live too much in the past.  i try not to. i have tried to embrace the present and this life apart from who and what i have always been and known.  and perhaps therein lies the problem.  i am not being true to me.  but here i am and i'm not sure how to change that since i'm not able to do all the things i used to do.  and my partner seems less capable than me when it comes to living a more soulful life.

i need to find something to plug into, a light socket source of energy and inspiration.  at this moment i have no idea where or what that is, but i do hope i find it...soon.  i've been trying to convince myself for four years that i'm happy here, but i am not.  shouldn't you be able to be happy where you are?  that's what all the spiritual teachings imply.  be happy where you are.  any ideas or helpful advice is welcome.