decompressing/returning to me

this blog started out as one thing but now i'm not sure what it is or should become.  circumstances have changed, that's for sure.  i guess i feel as if i've failed at keeping my life, "simple, sacred & sustainable."  not so much by choice but by circumstance.  when coop died everything changed.  I suddenly lost a huge portion of my identity.  for thirty years it was wrapped up in being his wife and sharing our life, our mutual goals and day to day living.  i had some serious and difficult decisions to make and let me tell you, it was weird coming to the realization that it was just "me" now.  i suppose unless you've been through the death of a spouse or a divorce you'd have little comprehension of that feeling.  thirty years of living suddenly shifted into unknown territory.  someone once told me after coop died not to make any major decisions for at least two years.  i've come to find out that was good advice.  but, being that things were as they were i felt i had to make some major choices in order to survive emotionally and financially.  i can honestly say i wish i had been able to hold off on any life altering decisions but life altering circumstances were what drove me to make the choices i did.  a viscous circle you might say.

so too soon i ended up with a new love, a new residence and a situation that was not especially conducive to my well being.  unfortunately neither was my staying.  it has been three years since i left the farm and my old life.  in the process family relationships have changed dramatically.  i have tried to remedy that situation to no avail.  there are so many hard feelings i suppose will remain so until others can open their hearts and minds to understanding.  although i wish no harm, i believe it may take a similar situation affecting (in the most personal way) those i refer to, before they can find that understanding.  the fact of the matter is, in every relationship eventually one partner will suffer that loss.  

at this point in time i feel as if i may be heading in the direction of putting the pieces of me back together.  it has been a slow and tedious process with lots of unexpected hurdles, hurt and losses.  enough that it's called post traumatic stress syndrome or disorder (the same thing).  the death  of a husband, the alienation of daughter, granddaughter and son in law and a niece, the death of two sisters, three moves in under three years, and the list goes on...you wouldn't believe how the list goes on so i will spare the rest.  but ptss explains why it is that i can barely function on some days and don't have the energy or motivation to do much so much of the time.  but i keep trying.  the doctor says i'm going through a period of decompression.  despite this lack of motivation i want so badly to feel alive and motivated again.  (i won't be a victim of this and i am not without hope!) when i felt the urge to return to this blog and start writing again, it was a good sign.  small but good. will i ever have the stamina to garden and do my own canning again?  probably not.  but by next spring maybe i can raise some patio veggies.  maybe soon i can find my muse and get back my strong creative flow.  maybe, too, i will figure out what direction this blog is heading in.  in the meantime i will simply write what spills out just as i have today.  whether anyone reads my ramblings or not i will write for no other reason than as an exercise in returning to me.

 

counting heads

how many of you are still out there?  i am asking because i have finally gotten to a place where i feel like writing again.  it's taken awhile and i have promised on several occasions that i would begin and then i didn't.   so much has changed in my life and probably yours as well.  for those of you unaware, i was an avid blogger about the simple life for some time.  then, unexpectedly in feb of 2009, just after our anniversary, my husband died.  life got really crazy for awhile and now, well let's say, it's a whole lot different.  i am with a new love, a fact which has alienated members of my family.  lots of reasons, none valid.  i am no longer in the country and homesteading these days because i'm simply not able to.  i was so very dependent on my husband's contribution to that lifestyle, plus my disabilities now prevent me from being as active as i once was.  amazing how a few short years (or just a day) can change ones life.  but change it has. 

so...i guess the question i would like answered is this, is anyone still interested in the ramblings of a woman who has managed to carry on after several devastating years and now wants to write again?  if you are reading these words your comments would be greatly appreciated.  i believe i still have something to share with my readers.  and i miss you.

GM Files: Horrifying New Disease Contains Identical Material to GM “Food”

GM Files: Horrifying New Disease Contains Identical Material to GM “Food”

wow!

you can't take the country out of the girl

i've been living in a small ohio town for a little over two years now.  in feb. 2010 m and i finally were able to get a place of our own.  not everything we wanted but nice and affordable.  but my point in this post is this that i finally feel i've turned our home and primarily my kitchen into what i wanted it to be while still integrating m's whimsical nature as well.  you see, he is the one primarily responsible for what has become a chicken theme.  i was just going for that homey, country feel. it took me awhile (until recently, actually) to find the perfect and affordable pieces: the primitive writing table, the antique sideboard, etc.  in the meantime, over the course of the past two years, we have somehow managed to accumulate a large quantity of chicken decor.  but, it works!

welcome to my humble abode.

i love this old writing table.  the drawer gives me a handy place to stash my journal, grocery ads and lists.

clem. he's a cocky old bird.

about everything in our home is secondhand/previously loved.  nothing new here. even my curtains, the baskets, etc. are thrift store finds.  it's just a small kitchen, but i love that it's an eat-in kitchen rather than a galley kitchen with a separate dining area. someday, before we are too old, we hope to be in a more spacious apt. or home with a place for a small garden. but we are here for now and have made it work.

i can't homestead like i used to due to apt. living and the fact that both m and i having physical limitations, but i still do my best to keep my life simple, sacred & sustainable and i can make it feel like country.

apples, apples, apples!

i miss going to the local orchards in the fall and picking my own apples.  these days it's seldom you find a roadside stand selling locally grown apples by the peck or bushel.  many of the places you find are selling fruit and produce that have been shipped in from someplace else. 

fortunately a week or so ago, mark and i were heading home from a fall drive (just to enjoy the beauty of the season) and on old route 66 just south of new bremen, we found a place.  since i had already purchased enough apples for a few pies at the supermarket, i picked up some acorn and butternut squash.  can't get enough of those!  while there we also got to visit the farm's animals; a miniature horse, leghorn chickens, a very friendly sheep and a variety of goats.  i do love the goats!

anyhow...since it is the season i thought i would share this list of apple types and their best uses.   enjoy the taste of the season!

NAME	Best Uses	Flavor Characteristic, Appearance
Braeburn	Sauce	Tart, sweet, aromatic, tall shape, bright color
Cortland	Pies, Sauces, Fruit Salad	Tart, crisp, larger than 'McIntosh'
Fuji	Baking	Sweet and juicy, firm, red skin
Gala	Dried, Cider	Mild, sweet, juicy, crisp, yellow-orange skin with red striping (resembles a peach)
Granny Smith	Baking	Moderately sweet, crisp flesh, green skin
Jonagold	Pie, Sauce	Tangy-sweet, Yellow top, red bottom
Jonathan	Sauce	Tart flesh, crisp, juicy, bright red on yellow skin
McIntosh	Sauce	Juicy, sweet, pinkish-white flesh, red skin
Newton Pippin	Pie, Sauce, Cider	Sweet-tart flesh, crisp, greenish-yellow skin
Rhode Island Greening	Pie	Very tart, distinctively flavored, grass-green skin, tending toward yellow/orange
Rome Beauty	Baking, Cider	Mildly tart, crisp, greenish-white flesh, thick skin
Winesap	Sauce, Pie, Cider	Very juicy, sweet-sour flavor, winey, aromatic, sturdy, red skin

hello & crockpot chili-spiced beef

to those who've been with me from the beginning and those more recent followers, hello, hello, hello.  life has been a ride the past couple of years and although no longer on the homestead i am still and always will be a country girl at heart.  lots of change since 2009 for sure. some good, in fact wonderful.  some not so much, in fact heartbreaking.  but all in all i have survived and chosen to carry on despite circumstances or influences. 

it's been my desire to start blogging again for some time.   i missed it, i missed you and i also knew that i needed to recreate some routine in my life through a form i enjoyed.  that would be writing. so, i began recently when i became inspired enough to begin writing poetry again.  as they say, one thing leads to another! so i am back and you can expect to hear from me from time to time.  now...with what kind of ramblings or information it's hard for me to predict.  :)  however, for today i wanted to share this tasty recipe that uses a simple chuck roast in (for me what was a) new and wonderful way.  if you like spicy, you will love this.  i love spicy but not take the hide off my tongue hot.  this recipe, when served over rice was very spicy (as in warms the back of your throat quickly) but not unbearably hot.  if the heat/spice factor is an issue, then you may want to cut down or eliminate the jalapeno.

i found this recipe in an issue of a womans day mag.  of course i can't seem to leave a recipe alone most times, so i made it my own by a tweak here and there.    hope ya' all enjoy it.  mark and i did and decided it was a keeper because we both love spicy. i love the fact that it's a slow cooker/crockpot recipe that you can put together and ignore for the most part and because it uses ingredients that i usually have on hand or aren't hard to come by or terribly pricey. just remember to buy your beef on sale!

enough talk, here's the recipe. enjoy!

chili-spiced beef  (with a hint of sweet)

2 lb. boneless beef chuck trimmed of fat and cut into 1 1/2" chunks.
4-6 cloves garlic minced
1-2 jalapeno peppers, seeded and chopped (fresh or canned)
1 large onion chopped
2 Tbsp. lime or lemon juice
1 Tbsp. chili powder
1/2 t. salt
1/4 c. brown sugar
optional dried basil (1-2 Tbsp.) according to taste. increase amount if using fresh basil.

 in a 5-6 qt. crockpot/slow cooker combine beef, garlic, pepper, onion, lime or lemon juice, chili powder, salt and basil.  cover and cook until you have a broth formed.  add sugar and cook until beef is very tender, 4-5 hours on high or on low 7-8 hours.  serve over rice or noodles or couscous.  we like it best over rice, num, num.