Thursday, September 9, 2010

morning musings

i often wake up early and make myself stay up while the rest of the household sleeps. morning is my favorite, actually best time for reflection.  past, present, future...all my considerations can present without hindrance, revealing themselves in the stillness and dimness of early morning.  it's just me, a cup of coffee and a smoke or two.  yeah, i still have the habit.

mornings now find me, weather permitting, on the back porch.  mark's mom thinks i'm a bit strange i am sure, as often i'm sitting on the back porch in the near darkness, barefoot and bushy headed when she gets up.  but then, she doesn't let me smoke in the house and i am a wee bit strange anyhow.  wtf?  i am me and for a long time after moving in here i tried to do what all good girls are trained to do; make a good and proper impression.  after all, i was living under her roof and with her only son.  i better be good!  but it's been nearly a year now and even though i have tried hard and been through a lot of inner (and outer) conflict, she is just going to have to accept me for me.  actually i think she does, but that doesn't necessarily mean she adores the real me.  but you know what?  that's ok.  i haven't been one to care so much what others think of me for a long, long time.  circumstances here just took me back to an earlier, less secure time when i felt i needed to be approved of.  now isn't that crazy?  as long as i treat her respectfully (and i do) and i respect her home and offer my help (which i do) and contribute financially (which i do) then that is sufficient.  she can plainly see i am not a bad person and that i love her son, so there ya have it. 

i never dreamed the past eighteen months or so would bring about such change.  i miss my country life and likely always will.  it's unlikely i'll get back to it and that's ok.  i don't know if i have it in me anymore to do everything i did before, but, eventually i will get back to living day to day life according to my priorities rather than my mil's.  eventually i will rule my own home and kitchen again.  it is a hard thing to do; giving up authority over one's surroundings.  oh how i would love to be surrounded by things that express me or to use my own cookware and dishes and design a more user friendly home.  my previous life was all about home.  how i loved to care for and nurture that spirit.  here, i find my greatest comfort outside on the back porch and in the basement where i've been given room to create.  someday that will change and this girl will create an atmosphere that accommodates her vision of comfort and warmth.  amen to that.

4 comments:

  1. I can understand thoroughly what you are saying...

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  2. One never knows what roads life will take us down...I am back to the country-country after a couple of decades of living in town.

    Been here 5 years now, and it looks like another change may be blowing in...we'll see. It will involve a move way up north and I am wondering how it will be. But it hasn't happened yet. So...who knows?


    Age has brought me a remarkable flexibility of spirit. (The joints?-not so much) lol

    Home is always where the heart is, isn't it?

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  3. Home is always within your heart...you are like a turtle and carry it with you. Things are to be what they are for a time....at least that is what I told myself while living on friend's sofas and in my car some years back. ;)
    I love the flexibility of spirit but not joints. So true Akannie! Sallie Dear, you have an amazing spirit and I am grateful that you can be you whatever the circumstances. Good that you have a spot or two where you can reflect on things...Love you girl.

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  4. thanks gals...yes, home is in your mind and heart and age and wisdom bring flexibility for some of us. it would help the situation if others here, much older but obviously less wise were less rigid. i am not complaining, just remembering and dreaming.

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I sure appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. I may not always have time to respond or acknowledge them but I do read them all and highly value your presence here.

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