morning musings

i often wake up early and make myself stay up while the rest of the household sleeps. morning is my favorite, actually best time for reflection.  past, present, future...all my considerations can present without hindrance, revealing themselves in the stillness and dimness of early morning.  it's just me, a cup of coffee and a smoke or two.  yeah, i still have the habit.

mornings now find me, weather permitting, on the back porch.  mark's mom thinks i'm a bit strange i am sure, as often i'm sitting on the back porch in the near darkness, barefoot and bushy headed when she gets up.  but then, she doesn't let me smoke in the house and i am a wee bit strange anyhow.  wtf?  i am me and for a long time after moving in here i tried to do what all good girls are trained to do; make a good and proper impression.  after all, i was living under her roof and with her only son.  i better be good!  but it's been nearly a year now and even though i have tried hard and been through a lot of inner (and outer) conflict, she is just going to have to accept me for me.  actually i think she does, but that doesn't necessarily mean she adores the real me.  but you know what?  that's ok.  i haven't been one to care so much what others think of me for a long, long time.  circumstances here just took me back to an earlier, less secure time when i felt i needed to be approved of.  now isn't that crazy?  as long as i treat her respectfully (and i do) and i respect her home and offer my help (which i do) and contribute financially (which i do) then that is sufficient.  she can plainly see i am not a bad person and that i love her son, so there ya have it. 

i never dreamed the past eighteen months or so would bring about such change.  i miss my country life and likely always will.  it's unlikely i'll get back to it and that's ok.  i don't know if i have it in me anymore to do everything i did before, but, eventually i will get back to living day to day life according to my priorities rather than my mil's.  eventually i will rule my own home and kitchen again.  it is a hard thing to do; giving up authority over one's surroundings.  oh how i would love to be surrounded by things that express me or to use my own cookware and dishes and design a more user friendly home.  my previous life was all about home.  how i loved to care for and nurture that spirit.  here, i find my greatest comfort outside on the back porch and in the basement where i've been given room to create.  someday that will change and this girl will create an atmosphere that accommodates her vision of comfort and warmth.  amen to that.