Yesterday marked two months since Coop's passing. It has been difficult to say the least. The worst part is feeling so out of balance and without focus or motivation despite the fact that I have much I need to focus on, primarily my own survival. Time, it is my friend and my enemy. It helps to heal the trauma and the pain as it slips by, yet it can never be recaptured and continues to bring us closer to the end of life as we know it.
Slowly I am making changes in my life. My dearest friend has helped me along the past several weeks, encouraging me every step of the way. We have gradually made changes to my bedroom, allowing it to become my own so I can fall sleep a little less painfully at night. I have cleaned closets and sorted things as much as I have been able. I still have reminders of Coop's presence throughout...jackets and hats still hang near the basement door. I took them to the basement to be washed some time ago, but retrieved them only to hang them back in their proper place until it felt right to remove them for good. There are times I need to bury my face in them and cry my tears, to breathe in what little is left of his earthly presence.
I miss Coop so much, his presence, our shared affection. Despite how we much we appreciate the love in our lives, we never fully can understand the entirety of that appreciation until the object of our affection has been taken from the picture. Oh, the love lives on, in fact it is the only thing that isn't transitory. That is what cause such heartache and makes it so hard to accept the absence of a loved one. Love is the only thing that is truly real, of value and worth living for. That is the one prominent thought I have had since life has changed so abruptly for me. Everything else is just stuff that, although it may lend a level of ease or enjoyment to life, it is really of little value in the end.
It is early yet in the days of my sorrow. But having known a good, solid, trusting and meaningful relationship and having my life shift so quickly, I do know this...I would wish to eventually establish a similar relationship with another at some future point in time. My heart is still full of an unlimited amount of love and an even deeper of appreciation of it. And so I want to say this to you...
Appreciate the love in your life to your maximum ability. Don't take for granted all the little things that could one day cease to be a part of your daily experience...that morning cup of coffee poured for you, a shared laugh or kiss or hug. Be more spontaneous, more affectionate, make love more often and more passionately, let things go because the small stuff really doesn't matter in the end. Truly enjoy the presence of your loved ones as much as you humanly can. We always think we have tomorrow but the truth is, we only have today. Sometimes tomorrow changes everything and I would not want you to miss out on the fullness of love and life you are capable of experiencing right here, right now today.
There are only four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
~Don Juan de Marco